I Can’t Articulate This Thing Inside

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I can’t articulate
This thing inside
It twists me
Turns me
Breaks me down
I look for the words
I can feel them there
But they feel like
They’re just a little bit
Out of reach
But it’s for the best
She can’t hear
These words
They’ll break her
More than they
Are breaking me

I’m Not Afraid

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I’m not looking for death
I’m just not afraid of it
And won’t be sad
When it comes

I don’t walk towards it
But nor do I walk away
It dances in my mind
More than it should

And I’m not sure
I’ve ever said
Anything more honest
In all my life

These are the thoughts
That swim through my mind
At 3AM in between
My bitter midnightmares

Broken Trophies

I write so much about being broken, as if I know what it means. But if I don’t know what whole is, how can I know broken?

I know I don’t want to be fixed, I wear my jagged edges with some degree of pride. They represent all the battles I’ve won, even the ones I didn’t realize were battles at the time.

Each one of my scars, inside and out represent something I survived, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Every one of my nightmares represent a demon that couldn’t take me in life, so they had to settle for getting me in my dreams.

These writings of mine, these poems, prose and musings, they aren’t cries for help. They are abstract trophies. They are reminders of what I’ve survived, and if needed, what I can still survive.

So when I read or hear others words here or on Twitter, I don’t see the scars, I see past then to the strength that survived them.

Maybe we are broken, maybe we are some definition of whole, I don’t know. But I do know that we have survived.

The Monster Within

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The way you keep pushing
As if you want to see
The dark monster
That you know me to be

But I am not that monster
No not the one you think
I am so much darker
And you’re pushing me to the brink

Please don’t go stirring
These dark things within
The monsters won’t stop
Once they awaken and begin