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Wounded Memories

Tag Archives: emotions

The Kiss

08 Thursday May 2014

Posted by woundedmemories in Prose

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

emotions, Life, Love, Thoughts

I see you standing over there with your head tilted slightly down and my heart starts to race. I don’t know if you see me yet, but in seeing you I am flooded feelings I can’t explain. What am I doing here? What is going to happen?

Silently I step closer, but not so silent that you can’t hear me – I want you to sense my approach. Standing in front of you I wonder if you can hear the thunder that is my heartbeat, or if you can hear the catch in my breath. Tilting your head up our eyes met.

If I have ever seen anything quite as beautiful as your eyes I don’t remember it. They have a gravity all their own, pulling me in. Slowly I raise my right arm, fingertips barely touching your forearm, they trace up your arm, sliding over your shoulder, play across your collarbone, caress your neck so lightly you aren’t sure if you’re imagining it… up the back of your neck, into your hair that feels silky in my fingers.

Firmly with my hand in your hair I pull your head in closer to mine. For the briefest of moments I feel you resist, but only for a split second, then you allow me to draw you in, closer.

My right hand is still gently on the back of your head, my left, though you have no idea how or when it got there, is gently caressing your back, my fingertips are gliding back and forth, up and down.

Still staring into my eyes you think I am going to kiss you then and there, but I don’t. I stop a fraction of an inch away, our lips so close we can “feel” them without touching. I can feel your warm breath. I breathe you in, in a deep, slow breath. I tilt my head down, past your cheek, to just below your ear and breath you back out.

My breath is hot against your earlobe, your neck. Still though, my lips don’t touch you. I can feel your breathing quicken and your body is pressed up against mine so tight that we feel each other’s hearts beating.  Slowly, agonizingly slowly, I draw my lips back towards yours… when I get close you get impatient, lean forward but I pull back… not yet…

You close your eyes, barely able to contain yourself.  Then slowly you feel the first touch of my lips. Barely, just barely, I slide both of my lips, first across your upper lip, then across your lower lip. Not a kiss, not yet.

Then you feel my tongue, warm and wet, slip across your lower lip, caressing your lower lip till it reaches your upper lip, still not a kiss, not yet. You let out a sound, somewhere between a moan and a whimper… a sound that is begging me to stop teasing you.

Suddenly, without warning my hand in your hairs grips hard, my hand on your back has managed to side down to your ass (even though you don’t remember it sliding down there) and grips hard. I pull you in, my mouth crashing against yours, thrusting my tongue in your mouth.  Finally… Finally we are kissing.

Our tongues are desperately sliding across each other, sliding in and out of each other’s mouth, silky and warm. Your hand has made it to my neck; you are pulling me in closer, desperately trying to pull our bodies closer even though they can’t possibly get any closer.

I suck on your tongue, tasting it, and then forcefully my tongue goes back to your mouth dancing with yours. Eventually I ease up, not to break the kiss, but to savor it. I let my mouth and tongue explore you, tasting your lips, sucking on them, tasting your cheek, your neck, your ear… I nibble on your ear, my tongue hot against your lobe, then down your neck, to your collar bone, tasting your skin, caressing your skin with my lips and tongue.

We break for a second, pulling back to stare into each other’s eyes, searching – Should we be doing this? Is this right?  Almost as if our thoughts are one, we decide we don’t give a fuck, and desperately, as if this would be the last kiss either of us ever had for the remainder of our lives, we lock again… our tongues dancing again, our hands exploring each other…

After an eternity, but one that didn’t last nearly long enough, and several failed attempts to draw back from each other, we finally break away, both of us gasping for breath, our hearts pounding so hard that surely they are going to explode.

We stare into each other’s eyes, letting or breathing settle, our pulses slow to normal. We don’t talk; both of us realizing a word had not been exchanged this whole time, and just stare into each other’s eyes. There are no words to be said, none capable of capturing that moment.

Silently I walk away, stealing glances over my shoulder, catching you stealing glances at me. As I am walking I am wondering if I will ever get to kiss you again, wondering if you are wondering the same thing.

Falling Into You

07 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by woundedmemories in Poetry

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Tags

emotions, Life, Love, Poetry, Thoughts

I was falling
Into you
Maybe…
…I wasn’t falling
Maybe…
…I fell

But I’m climbing now
Finding my way back out
I’m not sure
If I’ll ever be
The same
As before the fall

There will always be
Some piece of you
Stuck inside me
And I think
This makes me happy

-May 7, 2014

A Storm Rages

01 Thursday May 2014

Posted by woundedmemories in Poetry

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

emotions, Love, Poetry, Thoughts

A storm rages within
A battle fought that can not be won
Between mind and heart
Which is right
Which is wrong

Mind filled with logic
Tells me all the reasons I shouldn’t
Predicts all the pain involved
Heart filled with passion
Tells me why I should
Says pleasure awaits

Confusion reigns
Turmoil prevails
I don’t know what to do
What to say

Should I follow my mind
Let logic prevail
Or follow my heart
Let passion rule

What is right
What is wrong
The answer lies somewhere in between
I hope I find the way
And put my soul to ease

-January, 1998

I Thought I was Done

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by woundedmemories in Poetry

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Tags

emotions, Poetry

I thought I was done with it
So I cast it aside
A heart that did not beat
But as it lay
Bloodied and bruised
I saw something
That looked like life
So I picked it up
This broken heart
And much to my surprise
It had left in it
One last beat

-January, 2013

Love and Other Emotions – My thoughts on the subject

02 Wednesday Apr 2014

Posted by woundedmemories in Musings

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

emotions, Love, Thoughts

The first mistake that I think people make is they think emotions are binary. Are you in love, yes or no; do you like something, yes or no; do you hate that person, yes or no; whatever the emotion people tend to think it is on or off, yes or no, binary.

I don’t think love, or any emotion is binary. They are analog, filled with millions of shades and intensities. There are an infinite number of ways to feel the same emotion.

Digging deeper into this, I also don’t believe emotions are distinct. They all sprout from the same well.  I almost think of it as a color wheel. Sure there are groups, reds, blues, yellows – same as emotions where you have groups of love, hate, happy, and sorrow. But they all come from the same place.

On the pin wheel there are infinite shades or hues in between the colors, just like emotions. The difference between Liking someone and loving someone is a different shade of the same emotion.

The other variable is intensity. If we move from a color wheel to a bulb that can be dialed to any shade/hue, we are now closer to describing emotions. Not only are there shades of love, there are intensities of it. I can love two things or people, and potentially even have roughly the same shade of love, but have different intensities.

Let’s put this into some context – You love your mother, you use the same word to describe how you feel about your girlfriend, your child, your favorite shirt, etc. How can they all mean the same thing? They don’t, not exactly at least, they are different shades, and potentially different intensities.

I mentioned something critical just now – context. Before we continue we need to understand, context is critical to how we understand things. Everything we here, see, taste, touch, feel, etc. we compare it to our previous experiences.

To demonstrate this, imagine someone was born in a cave, pitch black, and lived there his whole life. Now imagine one day someone lit a candle. He would consider that the brightest thing he had ever seen in his entire life. Clearly nothing exists that is brighter than that. Next week someone brings in a 40 watt light bulb and now that is the brightest thing that has ever existed. Walk him out into a very bright summer day and you have blown his world.

The same goes with emotions. You are a kid and get a crush on someone, you have never felt that emotion before, but you are sure it is love. It feels intense. How many times has a teenage said to an adult “you don’t understand love like this!” Then one day they fall in love and look back and laugh.

The other thought I have is that we have an infinite supply of these emotions. That is not to say you will always feel the same about someone, every interaction we ever have with that person adds context, shifting the shade of the emotion in one way or the other, and even intensity.

To put this in perspective, I thought I knew what love felt like, regardless of it’s shade. Then one day my first son was born. I realized in terms of intensity everything I had felt to that moment was a candle and he was staring directly into the sun. The intensity overwhelmed me, crushed me.

Then an interesting thing happened. I had another child on the way. I can’t describe the torrent of emotions. One of which was actually betrayal. As odd as it sounds I felt like I was somehow either going to be cheating out my first son, or the next one on the way. I thought I surely had reached the limit of my ability to love, so another son would mean either I would love the first one less to make up for it, or not love the second one as much.

Well, the day came, and that’s when I realized I had infinite capacity. I loved the second one with just as much intensity. I am not saying the shades were identical, but they sure as hell we the same intensity. I realized I could have 100 children and have the capacity to love them all with the same intensity. Now patience to deal with them – that is an entirely different thing!

I realized though, that this doesn’t just end there. I can hate multiple people, and love multiple people. I don’t think any two people or things are ever the exact same shade or intensity, but I can have feelings for many people.

Thus love, and other emotions are analog, not digital.

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